Check Mate

There is a slight contradiction between today’s and the previous episode in which I cited Zizek to maintain that in love one could not care at all about the thoughts of ones lover.
Today I said that only your opinion matters. It doesn’t matter a bit what the rest of the world could think. And this is clearly the whole truth and so liberating to think and express. It makes every day so much better when you are around, it is like a topping on my days, a small ingredient that changes the entire outlook and sensation, leading to the impression that nothing can go wrong and every day is so much brighter, so fulfilled and perfect. And therefore clearly it is the most important thing in the world to get this ingredient, to tell this person how important they are to one or to show one’s feelings of affection, no matter the rules and laws of the civilized world.

Just Zizeks point has also some prudence to it: in love it is necessary to communicate even with exaggerated, exalted declarations of deep spiritual connectedness, as he puts it and therefore there should not interfere the thought what one’s lover would be thinking and only focus on carrying out this difficult task of opening your heart, demonstrating what you feel for the other person. And in this complicated process of trying to carry your inner emotions outside should not be inhibited. If you at least express something, live up to your feelings, then you can be content.

It is kind of clear to me that with this person I keep talking about or addressing directly I share a deep mutual understanding, harmony and affection. Yet I don’t think it can be alone the task of the male part to express all this and take some steps — to whatever direction, but some tension has built up through the last months and needs to find an outlet whatever this could be.
This week made me realize that indeed the fixed role pattern where the female part is hiding and making all kinds of gestures, allusions relying on body language, facial expressions and so on and the male part is active, is also something very erotic, pleasant and playful.
Yet we have to overcome it at least partly so that the women can take the hunting role in at least 50% of the seduction interactions.

When watching the chess players Nepo and Ding, I was getting the impression that chess is also a intricate subtle interaction, just like conversations, love interactions and subtle gestures. But they change colours every game so it is a balanced play, each player having the white pieces in the same quantity of games.

——

At times women give me the feeling of having to think really deep, like those chess players, in order to come up with a plan, with a move forward. And of course this can make you feel so desperate because it seems there is nothing you can do, nothing could be up to the high standard one would ask for in this moment, because the glance of this unknown other person is so intense, it’s so important what he or she thinks and perceives.

But my point is that I do not want to take over the initiative wholly on my side because in love it should be an equaled play of two participants, watching and trying to tempt each other into a trap. And love is a trap, I sense now, because with opening my heart here in speaking and writing, this puts me into a difficult place trying to face and talk to you again, it is sort of as if I had check mated myself with all my openness.

It is an erotic situation full of tension and I totally get why you and so many women cling onto the rather passive feminine role, waiting and giving small signs or provocations. At the end of the day, this role is disfavouring women and ripping them of the opportunity to also take the active hunting role.

Considering how slow our relationship is moving forward or not even developing in the last months, maybe you already lose patience and think this is like time waisting in football (Zeitspiel), when one team is ahead or wants to keep the draw, coming up with all kinds of creative but useless moves that only take time off the clock and gets you closer to the end of the match. But I have to explain to you why I feel quite comfortable in this position with a draw and didn’t feel the need to move forward faster. On one hand, as mentioned, this narrow-minded gender role pattern annoys me and it needs to be ripped apart.

On the other hand, there is of course also a distinct fear of not being worthy of you, as might be the fear of many men, imposed upon us by this role pattern. I get the impression there is some dark object inside me, like a hash clot on my soul, something dirty, immoral and impossible to get rid off. Therefore also I mentioned my vices like smoking mainly and how weak I really am, incapable of overcoming an addiction — it felt like I had to come back to this dark topic in today’s episode because it was incorrect what I wrote at the end of last episode’s show notes, that I was only a little addicted. No, in fact it’s really a huge problem interfering in many ways in my life and preventing the realization of my full potential. This needs to be expressed because I want to show you how big of an idiot I really am, that there is nothing special about me although it might seem that way. But the reason for this is precisely as explained in this episode, that the male active role puts a certain pressure onto us which is something positive, forming the character even when you lose and want to bite your ass like certainly today Russian player Ian Nepomniachchi felt when he lost in a very bitter way against the new world champion of chess Ding Liren.

I sense there is nothing that would be great or special enough I could do which would make me worthy in your eyes. However it would be so flattering to see a woman desperately trying to come up with her next move to surprise and enchant a man she feels drawn to. It also would clear the view for the male beauty which is hidden in our society today because beauty is always thought of in terms of femininity. And this is needed mainly for women to free themselves of the male glance and be autonomous, learning there is nothing they cannot achieve, they can be strong enough to seduce any man they want to or at least try and fail which could be also a great experience.

——

Also wenns nur die kleinste Chance gibt, dass du ohne mich klar kommst, dann tu das. Nur, wenn wirklich gar keine Hoffnung besteht, solltest du bei mir anklopfen. Aber das wäre wirklich das last resort, ich möchte mich niemandem zumuten, es sei denn, dieser jemand wäre so hals über Kopf in mich verliebt, dass es gar nicht anders ginge und allein die Höflichkeit schon geböte, dich zu lieben. aber nicht nur Höflichkeit, auch echte Liebe möchte ich dir natürlich schenken.

——

Lyrics — Lotte: Schau mich nicht so an (Don’t look at me like this)

Immer ein Anfang
Immer ein Pochen bis zum Hals bei dir, bei dir
Immer so kopflos
Hey, warum bin ich schon wieder hier bei dir?
Weiß nicht, was hier passiert
Verdammt, ich lieb' das Chaos, das du kreierst
Ich geh' dir aus dem Weg, will dich ignorier'n
Es wird nie funktionier'n, nie funktionier'n
Und wieder mal fall' ich in deine Augen
Will mich darin verlaufen
Nach allem, was war, versteh' ich nicht
Warum will ich noch immer dich?
Schau mich nicht so an
Weil ich bei dir nicht anders kann
Schau mich nicht so an
Weil ich bei dir nicht anders kann
Ich gehe neue Wege
Aber keiner führt an dir vorbei, vorbei
Du sagst, dass ich fehle
Dass es dich immer noch zu mir treibt, zu mir treibt
Weiß nicht, was hier passiert
Du sagst, du brauchst das Chaos, das ich kreier'
Gehst mir aus dem Weg, willst mich ignorier'n
Es wird nie funktionier'n, nie funktionier'n
Und wieder mal fall' ich in deine Augen
Will mich darin verlaufen
Nach allem, was war, versteh' ich nicht
Warum will ich noch immer dich?
Schau mich nicht so an
Weil ich bei dir nicht anders kann
Schau mich nicht so an
Weil ich bei dir nicht anders kann
Schau mich nicht so an
Weil ich bei dir nicht anders kann
Und wieder mal fall' ich in deine Augen
Will mich darin verlaufen
Nach allem, was war, versteh' ich nicht
Warum will ich noch immer dich?
Schau mich nicht so an
Weil ich bei dir nicht anders kann
Schau mich nicht so an
Weil ich bei dir nicht anders kann
Schau mich nicht so an
(Weil ich bei dir nicht anders kann)
Schau mich nicht so an. Weil ich bei dir nicht anders kann.