Tsy 7

"Say it loud and say it clear: refugees are welcome here" - that was the slogan I picked up on the worker's march in Stuttgart. "Parole" in German translates to "slogan" in English, not parole as I mistakenly said.

• The most important thing a society produces are the children it raises, formes and instructs in how to live their lives and what is a normal, societally expected behavior. This is why if we want to compare the results of imperialism (capitalism in its highest developped stage) and socialism (as the once existing DDR, Soviet Union or the countries of Eastern Europe) we mustn’t compare the cars or computers produced in the US and the Soviet Union, but the young generations, the teaching system not only in schools and university but through all of the different aspects of life.
  How to love, how to look at each other, how to compete or share the socialist joy of working together, all those are aspects which come to be seen in a very different light by the young generations growing up in either a socialist or a capitalist state. There is a sharp pressure of needing to compare one’s own achievements and to be winning against the competitors in capitalism which hurts a lot of people and clearly prevents us all from realizing our potential or living the satisfying life we could be living if only the system was more focussed and built around human needs rather than the securing of the bourgeois power and wealth. It is quite easy to see and understand how much superior the system in the East was by simply looking at some photographs and comparing the adolescents and the clothes they wore. In socialism, there is room for the individual emerging out of the monotony of equal uniforms; when everyone is looking almost the same or very similar from a formal point of view, there can emerge the perception of unique personal traits, lovely characteristics. In contrast, here in capitalism, the individualistic thrive to appear different in clothing, style or simply in the things you do and define yourself through them, is imposing a lot of harmful, unproductive pressure.
  But not every kind of pressure or tension is bad.

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I don’t want to go on like this forever, but it’s nice to savour the moment and be feminine in this way, waiting for the person opposite to approach me. I really like you so much, it’s this feeling I couldn’t say anything when talking to you again and only would want to hug you. But it might be too intense. Maybe it’s a good plan to start looking at each other’s eyes again, which I think we didn’t for so much time. Today I noticed something and assumed you had heard the last episode which was an acceptable one. Today’s episode is not that singular, but ok as an intermediate interlude. Of course it would be great to move forward and see if we can have a conversation again and where that leads us. But I’m sure this will happen in the future and there is no rush.
Besides of course I feel like it is much easier to make podcasts than actual steps in real life, because this is what I’m used to, I recorded already over a hundred episodes and this is nothing so challenging, I simply grab the microphone, start recording and something decent comes out of my mouth, but in direct conversations I always wonder whethter going too far, letting loose my discourse and potentially upsetting other people, wandering too freely to some aspects they might not feel appropriate. But with you I never got this feeling and … well I can’t write so much today, this weekend has been tiring, but I can go on podcasting. And these podcasts are also real signs of love, it is easier and maybe a little coward to prefer to keep doing this rather than approaching you, but no, this is the right thing for the moment. And it’s both of our choice, it’s always two people deciding the course of a relationship. The same way I feel we are both the creators of these podcasts because of all your provocations, gestures and traps. Maybe you conceived this all along and made a plan to seduce me in your feminine way already last autumn, when we first met. But it really doesn’t matter who seduced whom because it’s so hard to even determine what is one’s own will, what are your plans and intentions and I can’t figure that out for myself. Only through all those months with these imaginative plays and of course the podcasts since November when I started talking about you, I have the feeling now I really know what I want. And this is an important lesson for all of you, dear listeners, that the discourse, no matter how irrelevant or marginal it might appear, always gives you strength, power and certainty. Maybe a monologue like my podcasts, talking to oneself, is even better to really speak honestly from one’s soul. You have to pick up the thread of words using your voice and let it disentangle the paradoxical thoughts that might be ravelled inside your conscience, dreams and believes.
I only want to believe what you believe is adequate, I want to take you into my arms and stroke your beautiful hair, kiss your grandiose head that is hiding so many valuable thoughts and emotions I would like to explore. Your head is like a magnificent cave, a noble castle on a hill or a stunning mountain range on the horizon dazzling the viewer. It gives me the feeling of wanting to protect you and the abundant treasures you hold, embrace you and never let go again.

These podcasts are for Summer and Winter, the two foreign girls I feel so connected two. However love and polyamory are paradoxical and I sense they are at the core only for Winter, because it is the change of the seasons that commits you to be only focussed on the now, the present and the current state of one’s heart. This exclusiveness is at times needed to prepare the big synthesis that might come after.
To be truly loyal, one might at times even have to be illoyal. But these confusions are part of love which is the greatest work of all and the ressource through which we all exist and came into being.
Of course this is also a gift for Summer, my very special bird that flew here from far South. You made me experience and realize so much about love, the most important things and I will always be grateful for that. Just the very trigger that provoked all the chaos in me leading to these podcast outbreaks was Winter. But still in my view there is no real clear line to be possibly drawn between two loves, because everything is entangled and the feelings and reactions interfering in one’s mind from a first love experience also create, distort or enable the following experience.

It would not be possible to love without learning, there need to be mistakes and desperate situations in order to reflect and become wiser or even more beautiful through the pain caused by these failures, the battles fought that leave their impressions on us. So it is all a big socialist entanglement, impossible to untangle completely; there can be no »individual« in a naive way assuming this would be a complete and utterly self-sufficient person not influenced by its surroundings — this would be death, without the influence and inspiration from other people we are nothing.

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