Unlust — Reluctance, Listlessness

Recording date: Thursday, 4th of May

READINGS IN THIS EPISODE

Position of the writer:
Die anderen sind so. Der Coder sagt sich, puh, ich versteck mich mal lieber, bin ja nicht so souverän wie die.
Dann: langsam vortastend…
Später: puh, achso, die wissen auch alle nicht Bescheid
=> dann bohre ich erst recht nach
weiter & weiter
über alle Schamgrenzen

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Time waisting — dear lovers, I could go on a while more like this. You both blocked me and ok. As an artist, I feel quite comfortable with such a deep but impossible love, my lovers being far from me, luring, enticing, tempting, but never really there. So nice to live this platonical love, express/put into words the polyvalent feeling of attraction and affection towards two women — construct the fire ring or icy wall, separating the inner circle where I am at ease, at a safe haven or asylum, an inner cave (like John Snow and his wildling woman).

These episodes put me in front of a gigantous task, but one that I always wanted to solve, be confronted with, to love two persons. Because this underlying fear was always there; how can it be, if this is such a special bond, right now it feels we are tied together until eternity but what if one of us saw a new person…

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Yes, dear lovers, let’s face it, I can’t be the easiest person to live with. Yet I want to love and live with you, both of you. And yeah, this seems so complicated, right? I am so complicated because I care more about proving my theory about polyamouros love right than actually loving a real person. But this is a fight I have to win. All of humankind is in the game, our future is at stake. I am aiming for the liberation of all of us, not just of you and me.
It’s normal to have contradicting thoughts in love; yes, of course I think from time to time, omg, that woman is so special and I want to gift myself to her for all of my life. But then I think, no, it must be possible to let other love affairs intrude into that relation. This doesn’t have to be a contradiction. We can be true to each other, talk and see, what could be acceptable as an affair, a foreign intruder in our love relationship. This doesn’t take away anything from our love, it only makes it stronger. And I want to be strong - so you have a stronghold you can hold onto. But in this reactionary societal frame work, in order to be strong you’d have to think in depth about your own wishes and then grab onto them and fight every part of the way to enforce them against the sluggish concepts of normalcy that surround us.
This is a little hard, yes, but I feel so confident when I see you or think of you — it can all be done if we plan it right. And now is the time, it’s time to lay off my internal fights and live the moment.

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Personal Note

Unlust is the opposite of Lust. What Robert Pfaller tells us about neurotic lust is crucial; basing his theory on the founder of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud, he claims that lust is always there, but not always in its pleasureful form: there can be such a thing as an unpleasant lust — despite it produces negative emotions and results — one feels a drive to get this reversed satisfaction over and over again. This way neurotic patterns are created and perpetuated — maybe this episode is a perfect example for a negative drive towards the unpleasant, because talking so much about love reminds me how far I am of you, out of your reach, and this distanced cannot be the real thing.
However, today’s society doesn’t set the right boundaries and is not capable of guiding us towards accepting the ambiguous outbreaks of lust in ourselves. The liberal ideology makes us feel like we can do anything, but in order to not fail and not be different then the rest, we go with the flow, with the dumb mass of the people that are always going to cling to the reactionary ways taken over from our forefathers and accepted as unquestionable normalcy by our sluggish, lazy minds.
High cultures like the ancient greek or roman societies were better in educating their citizens on how to live a pleasant, fulfilled life; compared to those times we are in a dark age today that has almost no cultural value, but only seems to know monetary, financial values, its superb aim is to secure the monopolistic income of the bourgeois class without taking into account the enslaved mass of the people, the proletarian worker class.

I’m now in Switzerland with my family; although it’s nice to spend time and feel entangled in this social situation described by Lana del Rey in last episode’s outro, it is not what I want and need to do now. To fall, stumble or hide in your arms is the only thing I want to do and can think about. The drive to play is fully satisfied after the emotional ups and downs of those last months. Now the drive for sensual approximation, deep talking and togetherness (Zweisamkeit) is superior.

These episodes have been so romantic, but they are not true love, at its best maybe a preparation. I needed to talk myself into a position of strength where I can feel worthy of your glance and hopefully also your love. But it doesn’t even matter so much what I say here, because all my monologues are only an expression of how much tension you put on me. Seeing you, talking, imagining or playing »Katz und Maus« with you drives me so crazy, it’s hard to think one straight thought (einen klaren Gedanken fassen). These episodes are a gift for you, a formal sign of affection, but not so much the content, which doesn’t matter, at least not for us, because we have to create our own secret theory of love or find our hidden love cave where we can be at ease and secure. This can only be achieved in our direct conversations, not here; please don’t feel bounded by all my contradicting, confusing rhetoric efforts.
Because only you can be my boundary, I do not want to put pressure on you in a sense of expecting you to adjust your views to mine. Politics is not even that important or at least in these reactionary times we have to wait for the next historic chance of a big revolt and uprising, but until then the real politics can be found in love and with all those past days and weeks I feel it is truly a game like in chess, a game of two hopefully equal players trying to do their best to to entangle oneself and the other. Therefore we have to get back soon to talking, because this way only communicating thruogh these podcasts it is of course unbalanced and like a one-way street.

I had to do this to be all manly, to live up to the standard I expected from myself or maybe also you, because you seemed to demand from me an active, even flamboyant, knightly through your girly behavior — which I like so much and it attracts and pleases me to an extreme, but I simply wanted to express here my thoughts on how this reactive feminine role leads to problems and inequality in love and general life, but these are only my views, this is of course so complicated that on one hand I want to tell you all my thoughts but on the other don’t want you to feel rejected or as if there was something about you that I couldn’t accept; no, I accept and crave for every little gesture and movement of you, every facet about you is beautiful to me and I want you to be free, which is of course so hard to achieve in this liberal society.

Women maybe expect this active role of the hunter, chasing them and making them feel so special and desired. And this expectation is something very flattering or enriching, a sign of what a high concept they have about a man and that he can really do anything, show his feelings, express his desires, emotions and insecurities. Yet I have to insist this position of admiration is a disadvantage for women and an obstacle for love nowadays, mainly because most men feel to shy and insecure about their position in the world and the right way to act in those challenging areas of love and emotional high points.
Furthermore it is sheer impossible to find the right balance between the playful side of love, enticing, flirting and the serious side with the difficult integration of those high feelings into our lives and the official world, the civilization, the state and work apparatuses in which we grow and live. This difficulty is crucial for me to talk about, to relieve other listeners, give some help or solace to them and be loyal to the underlying truth in love, that we are all connected, dots of the mass of the population or as Luke Mitrani put it in his song »Good die young«: »We all belong« (together).

But I feel it is not difficult between you and me anymore. Sure, there are still many inhibitions and doubts in me and I wonder which would be the perfect road to take, which itinerary will lead to the perfect, forever flowering, never vanishing love relationship. However, this perfect itinerary does not even exist, it has to be sought together and there will be mistakes and »blunders« on this journey inevitably; but it has to be tried now, I have waited a long time and now feel like I cannot be without you even for one day longer. Of course it might still be a great approach to take it slow, but on the other hand it doesn’t matter, I can’t figure this out alone and only need your help, your thoughts and plans. From this point of truth I could start thinking rationally again maybe and lay off a bit this passionate attitude of absolute craziness, this love demon haunting me.

I don’t want go through a catharsis, a cleansing of one’s soul or personality — of course I feel there are many dark spots, irrational behaviors and problems that I cling onto. But this cannot be the standard by which I measure the success in my life — right now I only want to feel your body, fall asleep next to you and see your sleepy face in the morning after waking up. To do this is the absolute standard for me right now, there is nothing more important and I don’t have any fixed plans in life besides this, everything else is subject to your objections and our twosome (zweisam) perspective.

But we also don’t have to become better persons to simply love. Of course it is an art, a skill and a science that also needs a lot of learning through trial and error. It feels right to use these love codes, words, expressions, gestures that were established through the centuries and might feel a little cheasy and exaggerated but it feels genuine because it is appropriate to echo this overwhelming affection towards you, as a symbol of how helpless I am and that I want to be at your mercy.
Since I was 15 I kept falling in love and committing those mistakes that prevented me for a long time to realize an actual love experience. It was all kept in the imaginative space but that is also good sometimes to foster the urge and yearning, the impossibly high value that love and this one special person seem to acquire. Now it becomes clear that all this was part of the preparation work and now is the time it finally could pay off and help me in this dazzling situation when being confronted with you. All the errors, failures and desillusions are an important part of the whole process. Hegel says that the absolute (a word we can translate to »God«, truth, love or lover, he uses it as a abstract placeholder) is the whole; to see what a thing is you have to look at its whole process of creation, flowering, developping, completion. This dynamic approach is key to me to reject this inhibiting notion of love that it will lead to a perfectly balanced state, to a harmony from where no more pain or grief is possible, an encounter of two pieces solely fitted to each other. It is not that static in love and in those ambivalent, at times hurting, devastating observations of the »socialist entanglement«, but the fact that many other people outside the relationship can and will be attractive to both lovers, does not at all take away the singular bond we share (in my view). This problem has haunted me for a long time, making me think the casual erotic sizzling (Knistern), this tension one could feel on any given day walking on the street and looking into the eyes of an intriguing person, was the proof that true love was impossible, it would always be ruined and spoiled by our low human nature. But this is not the case or at least I try to fight this fear with my theory and now got the impression of having achieved something by at least here in my discourses loving two persons and expressing this seemingly contradictorial commitment. I need this theory to be confident enough to look you in the eye. Nothing else matters.

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