Dear friends and listeners,

welcome to this episode, it is a solid one in my ears, but contains many flaws on the audio quality. I greet you from Switzerland, where it is beautiful but I am not at home and look forward to return tomorrow, although at work vast, incalculable tasks and endeavors wait for me — I don’t even know, which of them scares me the most, I’m a fearful person.

Halskette — necklace (not »chain« as I mistakenly said)

Love Poem

I love you so much
Even if it’s stupid to love
Don’t worry, I'll be with you soon
Just need some time figuring out what I want
But every second thinking of you
And what I would do
If you were here
Or I was there, where you stand
Hug you and press my body against yours
Because you’re a magnet
Attracting me, impossible to get by
Without touching you
Being torn apart and ripped and left there helpless
At your mercy
All this you do to me
Through your magnetic power
That I don’t want to resist.

Just it’s so hard to realize you have to speak
And apologize or say anything
But this silence seems so perfect
And my future seems bright,
Because everything is possible
And there’s so much joy and beauty possible
When I think of you and me
Therefore it’s so much easier to leave it all
In the dark, leave it unresolved
Who knows, what happens,
Everything is possible, we are fluid
But that is so coward
I know I should man up
And talk to you (again)

—

I can’t get by without you
Or don’t want to
But even if it seems like I was strong
I’m not
Or don’t want to be
When you aren’t there
Watching me
Only for you I can be strong
And get past any obstacle
Even that »swinish stuff«, my god
It’s not that important
More important is that tender stuff
That romantic, affectionate proceeding
Of touching you with my hands, my eyes or words
Stroking, caressing you
Forever one
In this perfect harmony that exists
Like we exist, us two individuals
But more powerful is the existance of love

It should be possible to love
Yet in my life I’ve found multiple ways
To make the possible impossible
Let it appear as though it’s to hard to reach
Or not even good enough to grasp it
Please, don’t let us go this way
With you it is easy, too easy
Because meeting you makes me too sure
To want to fall into your eyes
For the rest of my life
It doesn’t seem credible, right?

—

You're perfect, don't fool yourself, you are just as you need to be In order for me to love you Wait there, I will come and see you I’m a bit slow, that’s all Don’t lose patience I’m afraid and fear we might fail

But every time you ground me Being there And looking at me Is enough to make me shiver

Please don’t go
I need you, need to feel your presence
Even when we’re just sitting there in silence
Need to hear you breathing or yawning and
See your graceful arms and feet move around
That calms me — I know you’re there,
You’re real, real as me
And this world is great, its creator did a superb job
If it can breed such beings as you are
Exuberant, genuine, naturally wild and intriguing.
You’re a wild cat and I don’t know if I can catch you
Without ruining your liberty.

— Show notes 11—

In beauty it is not that unfair as in the distribution of wealth. Differences are needed to identify, but a difference of 1000 or a million times like in the field of posessings in capitalism is obscene and should be abolished. However in beauty we all at least get to be young once and the inequalities in aesthetic appearance are not that abismal and also indispensable for love.

I resumed the key points of today’s in last episode’s show notes. But there is still more on what I need to expand. If only I could lower the tension, get some relieve, which is the ultimate goal of my writing and podcasting nowadays— because I fear these days something might happen and I don’t know what it could be and maybe don’t even want to know, want to be surprised and dragged away by the moment.

It is seemingly important and demanded from a free liberal subject to be in charge of its will, behavior and intentions; yet in my case I always felt the need to let loose and right now I’m living this dream although it might be a quite neurotic experience. I don’t have a clue, I go on writing and podcasting, but it feels like all the listeners are watching me closely and asking: when are you going to act; you talk a lot, yet this girl you claim to be so connected to emotionally might be waiting for you to make a decisive move and… yeah, exactly, this is the kind of pressure I wanted to create in order to show that it is not always as it seems at first glance. A real action also can be a love poem. And with this poem and all my other love expressions I do not want to go down in literature history or claim any special merit, glory or admiration but I solely want to impress you, dear Winter, or maybe not even impress because that could inhibit our further communications, no, but show you that at least I have thought a lot about love, came up with some conclusions but they all don’t matter because it all was only a road that had to be constructed so I could arrive at your place.

One can imagine a lot about love or sex and then it seems so impossible to even act and talk to a person that could be there waiting and also puzzle his or her head (sich den Kopf zerbrechen) about how to approach.
In my analysis, this is due to the unclear connection between love and sex in today’s frame work. On one hand, there is the need for physical contact, beginning with eye contact and extending to caressing, kssing, stimulating, having sex, and on the other hand there is the need for a deep assurance and security, to feel infinitely at ease and in resonance with one’s lover. This latter need is fostered by the brutal situation we face in social life: we see on the streets or read in the newspaper about how many of our fellow humans are dragged to death, left without work, dignity, family in this capitalist tyranny extending its horrific tentacles all over the world, reaching through every border of nations, culture, tradition, religion. To find love in this context is not an easy thing to do because it always will envolve this feeling of uncertainty, insecurity. How can it be, this other person, will it always be loyal to me? And without this person I couldn’t or wouldn’t want to survive, this world is to horrendous and frightening. And yes, then the need for sexual experiences that are different, adventures, explorations, this is impossible to solve or at least it seemed to me like this a long time, now I’m not so sure. But the crucial point here to understand is that it is not me by myself who can create this unseen possibility of love, of a reconciliation of sex, tenderness, spiritual affection, unique bonds. It has to be created together in the sphere of two. And as my brother’s girlfriend once told me, we share a unique relationship with every human being we come to know. This stuck to me, she was so right with that affirmation: of course there are different types, varying intensities and forms, some relationships are casual, others consist of deep friendship, furthermore there might be ambiguous one’s between friendship and love and all sorts of confusing synthesis and mixtures. But still, every person is unique and so is the social bond two person can establish through their interactions and mainly communications. But all this doesn’t concern me now, I only crave for your words and views and yes, this brought us into a very exciting but also scaring position, and before thinking of other persons ever again I need to know from you what could be possible between us and how we could proceed and how this vast field of love looks to you — Yes, my love talk, the pressure I put on you, the unclear expectations and intentions I utter, all this is very uncommon, on the other hand, why would it be? I think, as my grandmother once advised me, it would also be possible to approach someone and say one had fallen in love and wanted to tell this simply — I mean, why not fall in love in a few seconds because of a pretty smile, body movement or characteristic? It could be and although this still would not be the whole love process, it could be a legitimate starting point, the seed or first flowering of this grandiose thing. Yet in todays frame work, things are so complicated and there seem to be a thousand rules, impossibilities and inhibitions.

However, with you it is quite different, maybe I could have also fallen in love that spontanously but why rush it, if you were going to stay there close to me for a while anyway… but now all has condensed and collapsed through my discourse, everything is falling apart, my theory, my view of the world, my determination, self-consciousness and self-understanding. I only can understand myself through you and wouldn’t even have to take a look at myself and assess my personality, my life goals and strategies, but if all of this could be relevant to you, well then I better take a close look and this is so painful, examining one’s self.
What I mean is simply that we know each other a little and I think it is not inappropriate to tell you what I told, it was in part a reaction of your seemingly waiting and provocative feminine habitus, but also in large part a natural consequence of all my thinking and synthesizing about love. The world seems so complex but how can it be so simple to tell someone you have this absolute craving, this impression to never ever be able to get by without him or her, to be lost and not want to stand up again if this person wouldn’t look at you and give you a reason to pick up courage or even audacity, dare to be this organic being emerging from the deformations of social life, the constructs that encarcerate us through the established use of language, the ways we are allowed to talk, think and feel.

This dissipation, displacement of our mental cognitive apparatus by society is the core of what the term »Big Other« expresses. This term I picked up from Slavoj Zizek and his interpretations of French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan. Someone is glancing at us, even when we are alone — or even when two persons are on their own having sex, there still interferes the glance of this Big Other, watching and examining whether they are accomplishing love in the right manner, the socially expected or inherently proponed as »normal« — of course today’s liberalism makes this even worse than christian prudery, asceticism and the moral of abstaining, because liberalism tells us that anything goes, we can be free and should only do what we really want; but especially in love and sex there simply is never this crystal clear point of »really« of knowing exactly this is the thing, the manner, the path you want to take, they all have their problems and unknowns, because in love it is maybe like a collision of two wide galaxies, two persons with their own trail of thoughts and their legacy of experiences, a confrontation of two opponing adversaries like in sports with different goals and concepts. It only can be explored, tried, tested but I must warn you that under no circumstances I can be that big man who seems to know everything, at least here in my monologues. No, but still I thank you for putting so much pressure onto me because this also relieves the societal pressure and is way better at least. So it is not wholly ironic what I mentioned at the end, that these episodes are like a prayer to you.
Maybe I should delete them so we could have our intimacy and freedom of the glance and thoughts of those others that could be listening, on the other hand, my discourse is already a play of hide and seek and hopefully can only be fully decoded by you. Whatever the case, we need to step up, move into any direction that might seem luring, because this situation becomes unbearable more and more, although I can see the playful factors in it, I am so tired, exhausted and overwhelmed by all this net of thoughts and imaginations that are too heavy to be lifted alone.