21:05 English for Lila

SN

Liebe Leute

Hier noch einige letzte Folgen, den Rest behalte ich ein, denn es gibt sowieso keinen Weg, nach den Maßstäben zu produzieren, die ich mir vorstelle, zumindest im Moment nicht. Ich bräuchte dazu ein Kollektiv, das mir unter die Arme greift und meine Texte durchsieht, denn allein fehlt mir dazu die Zeit und Kraft. So schiebe ich eine Welle vor mir her, türme mehr und mehr auf den Berg meiner Schriften. Im Moment ist dies die einzig richtige Weise für mich, zu produzieren.
Ich liebe L noch immer und wünschte, es wäre anders, damit diese Liebe mich nicht ausfüllte und verhinderte, jemand anderen zu lieben. Aber so sei es nun. Und auch deshalb will ich den Podcast löschen. Um ihr zu zeigen, dass ich sie ernst nehme.

WW: You are not guilty nor stale nor discarded to me

Und um mich einfach aufs Schreiben zu fokussieren und hierfür den Kopf frei zu haben. Da würde es mich behindern, noch den Podcast nebenher zu machen.

—

so lila… i knew i could be a writer, maybe even one you'd like to read. but i couldn't go all the way because i felt a sharp lack of motivation. what i really wanted rather than to become renowned for my novels or poems… is you. just being with you, standing there and talking to you like we used to. and it felt like this is enough, like… if you listened to me and judged me worthy of your time and attention, everything was fine, nothing more needed. just then i thought i needed to do a thousand things, it maybe has to do with the notion of manlihood that is common in society. i want to feel that everything is lost and there is no possible recuperation in sight. why i want to feel this… is not even clear to me. but ok. i hope you can feel the same way about everything if that's what you desire. and i don't blame you, nor for feeling that way nor for wanting to ruin or spoil everything or to run away from something scary. just let me say to you: the way you prepared the boiling water as a trap for me, so i would come again to ask you this question whether it was your water or if i could take it to prepare my own tea, that was overwhelmingly cute and i thank you so much for it. if my reckoning is true and you indeed did prepare it as a honey trap for me. but i had this feeling on your last day that you sighed pretty disconsolate when i walked out of the kitchen without asking you. i had considered it for a long moment… but then my fear and indolence took the upper hand again and i told myself: let's postpone it till next week. why rush anything? we can talk then. i just don't want now.

but what i want to thank you most for, is your hair. some day in august, i think at the beginning of your last week at the company, it was only us two in the room and in the afternoon i went out to make some errands, buy new notebooks to write. when i came back, i noticed something different about your hair and i assumed in a wild thought that it was also some kind of sign towards me. and i'm so grateful for that lila, everything about you is incredibly beautiful, but most of all these little signs and details.

i think that polyamory is difficult but it's better to try than to be afraid and postpone the actual experiment forever. like in any relationship, probably you had your hassles with your lover, maybe that's also what contributed to the final outburst of your rage and fury. but that's normal and i thank you for being violent towards me, it's about time that women dare to show their savagery.
i just love you as a friend. for everything you did and do. that you're so sensible and reactive, so smooth and soft like a sea plant… i don't want to love you right now because it has been to much of a turmoil everything that happened between us. but i would die to be your friend and to go on where we left off one year and a half.

i wonder how hard it must have been for you to do what you did. pretty hard, i'm sure. and please, lila, just believe me that i don't feel any bitterness towards you, i did in the past months, but not now anymore. because i understand what you did is the same i would have done under different circumstances; in a way i am addicted to pain and feel grateful when someone would supply it to me in raw doses. what you did to me was the perfect love or friendship gift, one so much up to my desires and secret dreams that it’s miraculous someone should have guessed my favorite thing so strikingly and just go ahead and denounce me.
because i live from pain and feelings of guilt and unworthiness, it’s what drives my art, at least that’s my theory.
so there is nothing that you could ever do wrong, lila, at least not in my eyes. maybe in the eyes of the state and then you'll have to go to prison. but i would always visit you there because i have seen you and seen through you and until the essence of your being lay naked there for my observation. and i know this thing that you are can never change and it is a true reflection of my own being. with some nuances and variations, with slight differences. and i love you for it all or for nothing, just for being. please, lila, take this as an apology, accept my words of excuse. i didn't mean to harm you. but at some times i feel like harm is a good thing i want to provide for myself and to the one's close to me. love is a nasty thing but that doesn't mean it should be avoided.

however, in the end it’s not about what happened at the company nor about your relationship to your boyfriend or mine to Manita. What makes everything so bittersweet is this other thing between you and me. Whatever it has been.
I think oftentimes rituals and gestures are overvalued in love and I really don’t wanna give you any more love gifts or friendship courtesies after all that I’ve already done with the podcast. It cannot be topped and that’s good, finally relax and don’t scramble, let it happen. Like in this song “Voce” I once played in episode 33 or 34, in which the singer states that he’ll wait in his bed until his lover or companion has finished his or her trip around the globe and finally wants to come back to see him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-K6DC_KeI50
“ve crece y volve, te esperare en mi cama”
“See, grow and come back, I’ll wait for you in my bed”

--

hey people, look there: mesita-cubrite.podigee.io
this is my spanish podcast which lamentably i neglected for the past three years. now comes the time to revive it because as stated in lanas poem about violet, i don't want to make any decisions, want to do nothing about everything… forever. now that i delete my first podcast, i thought about creating some other publication channel, whether for podcasts or texts. but i'm too sluggish for that, so i'll just go with what i have. there on the "mesita, cubrite" podcast i'm going to publish a trilingual episode and then am going to see how to move forward. i don't have any plans, all i do is let it happen.