Scheide

fork in the road

crossroads

Am Scheideweg

Ent-scheiden: to decide (de-side)

Novembercasts overall view

Zkast3UpsPeinlichRidicoulusFail
Litcast8
castelcast2
Zkast4Sumpfgebiete
castelcast3 (Me and My People - Vices Of History, already published)
Litcast9EnglishDoubleMillGirlsCatch22

Litcast are literature casts, I read my own writings.
Castelcasts contain spanish and or english language, because of »castellano« which means Spanish.
ZKasts are communist central planning podcasts because of ZK, Zentralkommittee, which used to be a vital organ of the socialist rule by the communist party in Eastern Germany and the Soviet Union. They were initially intended to plan and structure my life but also became a free space where my mind could wander off and reflect.

These private episodes I mentioned as the so called »Novembercasts« will not be published until further notice, this is my decision. Above you can read only the title, maybe it makes your mouth watering. Although they contain valuable thoughts and entertaining material, I came to the conclusion, that I have enough to speak of and publish already with my official »Table, set yourself« — podcast episodes. Last week I recorded the episodes number 4 and 5 after an intermezzo of silence, an intermediate pause of some months. I took it slow those last months, because until September I had published that many German episodes, I felt like railroaded by my own productivity and needed some time for myself. Now I'm ready and determined to share my thoughts again with you, dear listerners, even though they may be a little disturbing and transgressive like the end of that Eminem song from last time. There should not be such big gaps between recording and publication date, I want to get it all out, clear my mind, empty my spiritual junk room. Also in Spanish I have some more episodes to podcast and am keen to follow on with my other podcast, from which I took an even longer pause. But for podcasting in German I have no plans currently, because the Germans are boneheads, nuckleheads and, last but not least, nazis. I want to educate the young European and worldwide generations that look to the EU as a safeguard of stability and sanity, when in fact it is an imperial project, a monopolistical power apparatus for the rich countries and the ruling classes of those countries that causes all the wars and chains of exploitation, human misery and poverty around the world. Never would I insult a Latin American, Asian or an Ukrainian, but the Germans and all of its imperialist brother states like mainly the US, France and Britain, I want to insult, smear and betray, as already expressed in the show notes some episode ago. Hopefully my drastic words and manners can lead to some change in how the more exploited countries situated downwards at the chain of imperialist power relations perceive Germany and the Western world.

Today’s episode is an in-between one, a connecting link between the better episodes. It’s not as good as the one that follow nor as the precursors, yet it stated some valuable points. For once, that thinking of biology makes me nauseous or more precisely it feels like a stab in my stomach when I hear about it, I never liked those parts in school when our biology teacher taught us about the human body, its organs and their functions. It’s kind of interesting to learn all this and good to know, but I feel I don’t want to go back to it again after once hearing about it, because it would make life impossible to think every time of how you breathe and how the oxygen gets into your lungs and from there into the blood and in the cells… you would start noticing each breath and that would totally disturb your cognitive balance, I fear every time when confronted with the biological basis of our lives.
That being said, I want to state that it is my personal approach to love to think of it more as a mental thing, a play of imaginations, deceive, temptetations and, hopefully, realization of the desired love relationship with that unique person calling one’s attention.
Sex of course is also a very deep desire and need for most of us and it transforms and pervades our inner reality.
Yet it is not that important as love. Sex can be part of a love relationship, but it doesn’t have to be. The other way around, there can emerge love inside a relationship built initially uniquely around the desire to satisfy the sexual drive.
Which way of loving is adequate for one is a personal question and can only be answered in the intimacy of self reflection.

From my point of view, it is reasonable to share sex and diverse love gestures, experiences or liberties among all of us, although it is hard think and the mainstream narrative about love also deeply roots inside me, making me feel guilty and insane for my actions and dreams. Maybe I cannot do so much for my lovers as I dreamed and intended initially, but still I hope something can be done, we can exchange words and gifts, like smiles or compliments.

It could be a promising strategy to look after someone with whom everyday interaction and the social play is so natural, the fine tuning of our thoughts and emotions is so good, and then maybe sex with this unique person.

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This podcast is in between two worlds. With the harping on about the German term »Scheide« and the difficult process of decision-making, I as the speaker totally do not want to alude at a decision that I would have to make about my lovers. Because I am polyamouros and this is the right way for me to love at the moment. For me, it would not be adequate to make a decision because all lovers mean the same, have the same values for me. A love relationship is something unimaginably complicated and therefore it would be practically impossible to love many people at a time. I sense that two or three lovers could be my personal limit or perfect balance, but I definitely feel the curiosity and the urge to go beyond the one in love, also simply to explore whether this could even be possible and feel right. Because if you don’t try, how are you going to know? I don’t want to be a slave of the backwards mentality and ideologies about love that rule our thoughts today. Also it is perhaps not possible to put a number on it, with how many people you want to sleep or have other love relations, because it is all about the difference and curiosity for the delta, not the »Delta of the Venus«, an important literature work by feminist author Anaïs Nin, but the delta as in the difference between two finite states, two entities, places, perceptions of the world. This is a filigree task to find a balance that is suitable for all sides, when feeling the world of two in love needs to be transcended in order to open a corridor to a third participant.

The underlying desire for the delta is nothing specific to love affairs, it exists also in the normal flow of everyday life, where certain times we might feel in a treadmill (Tretmühle in German) of stupid tasks we keep on repeating, going to work, going home, doing your things, maybe practicing a hobby or developing some unhealthy habits. In this kind of situation it makes a huge difference if only one day the flow of inertia is interrupted and you go out on a walk or a bicycle ride. There one sees new landscapes, breathes fresh air and it seems like the whole world looks different from a perspective where you are on the go, following your own rhythm of your steps. This goes the same way for sports or any activity one can come up with, something new, maybe a challenge which requires courage. And the way I perceive it, almost everything requires courage because I feel so oppressed and alienated in this system of wage labor obligating me to sell my mind and body to the capitalist exploiters in order to survive. I don’t want to do anything wrong and be a good boy, therefore this feeling comes up that anything, any delta would be too much and it might be preferrable to not even think about it and stay in the well known rhythm of your days, the treadmill.
You, dear listeners, can take my podcast as a role model and also seek love for yourselves, however, I must warn you, that this decision will put you into one or several double mills — don’t be afraid of it, in my experience the double mill is better than the treadmill. It brings new problems but also puts the old ones into perspective.

With my usage of the term »Scheide« I intended pointing at the metaphorical situation when walking on a mountaing crest and being confronted with two ridges of the mountain. As the speaker would like to point out, the word watershed is translated to »Wasserscheide« in German, the geographical line where the rivers flow into another direction, towards another ocean maybe — like in the Southamerican Andes there is the watershed running in between Chile and Argentina, on one side the water flows down into the Pacific Ocean and on the other into the Atlantic. This metaphor might or might not be adequate, but for me it means being undecisive, on the fence, not being able to make up ones mind and act according to your own will. Especially when I was younger I felt like this a lot, now slowly I can take the first steps that are really mine and act autonomously, it’s a long and hard way there in the sluggish societal context we are placed in and need to deal with. But still I’m weak and also want to be weak and only feel strong in the arms of my lovers or when looking into her eyes that tell me I’m the greatest guy in the world. This is such a intense experience, it’s impossible to describe. However, it also brings new uncertainties and problems: in everyday life I fear to become to inert, lazy or languid, because this is the way I am already as a single and in a love relationship you want to sink into the arms and eyes of your lover, forgetting about the rest of the world and dedicating every possible second to him or her, spending your time exclusively with kissing, hugging, caressing or talking to each other, because it is the most natural and obvious thing to do.

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