153

Bursting Femininity / Queen Diagonal

Bursting touch of femininity, irradiation.

Das Ansteckmikrofon funktionierte nicht wie erwartet, daher die schlechte Tonqualität. Das ist immer das Problem mit den Werkzeugen, die man zum Podcastgenuss braucht und ihrer fraglichen Zuverlässigkeit, die einen infrage stellt.

Recording Date: 25th of May

0:00 Deutsch

7:45 English

30:43 Deutsch

LESUNGEN

POESIE

13.3.

Ich wälze mich vorwärts,
Langsam und beharrlich
Die netten Ideen und Schreibversuche
Ordnen sich an einer Kette
An einem ruhigen Tag
Ich habe Urlaub
Alles glättet sich
Das Leben und seine Wogen
Das Meer der Vernunft sieht wieder schiffbar aus
Ich muss nur meine Bänder abspulen
Und dies aufschreiben
Was verdient, gut, aber auch nicht
Perfekt geschrieben zu werden
Wie ein blauer Sommertag an den Küsten Spaniens oder Marokkos
Dort lastet auch die Erwartung auf mir
Den Tag gut, doch nicht zu gut zu gestalten
Du hast Urlaub, du musst also etwas tun
Es ist klar: die Zeit vertreiben
Möglichst angenehm.
Doch was ist dieses Angenehme noch mal für mich?

Diese Zeilen zu schreiben
Aber wenn die Schrift mich von meinen Liebhaberinnen entfernt?
Sie versthehen meinen Stil, meine Schweinigkeit nicht
Sie wissen nicht, warum ich all die Obszönitäten rausbringen muss
Ihnen ist der Prozess der Läuterung, Säuberung und Versöhnung
Mit sich selbst nicht geläufig, leider; Jener Prozess, der mein Grundgerüst als Literaturschaffender darstellt.

Zug um Zug setze ich die Buchstaben. Oft sind meine Worte zu gut, die Sätze zu einprägsam Sodass ich mich tagelang an sie erinnere Und gemahne: sei gut; das Unerfüllte schreib auch noch aus dir raus Alles muss raus, rein in den Text, nichts darf ich mir zurückbehalten.

Und jetzt noch ein netter Schluss, dann ist auch dieser poetische Text Vollendet - aber warum muss man immer nett sein? Ich will mir, dem Leser in mir, eine reindrücken Schöne Texte kann ich zwar schreiben Doch sollen sie dir im Hals stecken bleiben Wie eine Gräte, ein Hühnerknochen Erst dann bin ich zufrieden Habe was geleistet. Denn ansonsten Wirst du die grundlegende Disparität des Lebens Verpassen und nie begreifen, warum das Leben so belastend ist Weil einen nämlich die anderen angucken, anstarren gradezu Zumindest kommts einem oft so vor Die anderen blicken und wollen mir auf den Grund kommen Mich durchlöchern, wollen mein Innerstes sehen Und das muss ich ihnen natürlich verwehren Wo kämen wir da hin? Das ist infam! In den Schambereich lasse ich mir sicher nicht eingreifen oder einblicken Doch darum schreibe ich ja diese Texte, die Ausblicke liefern Und Impressionen darüber, wie mich die Triebe und normalen Strebungen des Scham- und aller sonstigen Bereiche Unterdrücken, einkesseln, gefangen nehmen, zu ihrem Sklaven machen.

Also darum, weil der Blick immer wehtut, Will ich euch Lesern schon im Voraus wehtun, in dem, was ich schreibe Denn ihr tut mir ja auch weh, dadurch, dass ihr mich lest Und missinterpretiert

Ihr könnt mir nichts anhaben, zu spät, Der Zug, die Kolonne, meine innere Karawane wälzt sich vorwärts

—————————————————-

Dear lovers, real and imaginary ones, dear beautiful women that make my day brighter but also confront me with harsh and challenging questions, like, whose task it is to act, to start a conversation, ask some personal facts and so on. This is a never ending story. But in the end, we all might see clearer. Or at least I will be able to understand myself more completely. So let me tell you a story. There is a huge difference between »history« and the »past« as an unspecified, maybe even inaccessible quantum of personal experiences, memories, impressions that left a mark in our characters. The past is this undefinable substance that lingers on and maybe seems frightening to even take another look at. Yet history is different, it is an actualization of what happened, an inscription into the Big Other. If we tell a story about ourselves, we make sure the Big Other sees us the way we want to be seen. This Big Other or naive observer or the eyes of the society always seem to pressure us and therefore the psychoanalytic way of individual liberation is to tell a story about the becoming of ones very own person, how I got to be what I am or think I am today. This is called reconstruction. And in a way, this is the only possible construction. There is no finished constructed person that once existed and that can come to light again by the analytical practice (of course the podcast is my analysis and therefore you, dear listeners, are in the intricate position of the analyst and at times might feel overwhelmed and even annoyed by my personal disclosures), but we as humans can only grasp some spark of certainty, a concept of truth by speaking and trying to find the words adequate for describing the inner structure we are aiming to express. So speaking is a very vital part of life, just most of the time we don’t notice this because our communications are trapped in the formal logic of capitalist transactions and even with friends our dialogues might wander in the same areas over and over again, simply because it’s natural to go with the flow and not think of something new if not forced to do it. The social anxiety produced by capitalism makes this even worse because one never feels sure what the other expects, what could upset him, drive him away and therefore appears this anxiety or even complete inhibition to speak like I experience quite often in my social life, contrary to the podcast.

In the past weeks there weren’t published any episodes because my mind was wandering to surreal places, recording some episodes in my grandparents beautiful home town where there are plenty of vineyards and amazing hill landscapes. In these episodes I talk trilingually in English, German and Spanish. Why? Well, you know, it seems like girls expect a lot from a boy in order to consider him as a boyfriend. But how can you be sure to be that unique person that will be forever worthy of this girl’s glance? It’s impossible and today’s liberalism makes it all worse, creating the phantasma of a infinitely strong, sovereign and decisive individual while the capitalist tread mill of labour work converts us into weak sluggish slaves with no proper will at all, unable to take a single free decision and quite happy if only someone else makes the decisions for us, allowing us to be dragged away by the social stream, because at the base we all feel the necessity for socialism and the political organization of the social net that we live in and couldn’t live without because these eyes of the others and the conversations with them are so intriguing, fascinating, the most valuable thing on earth. This applies also to non-erotic situations but with the erotic entangling everything gets so much more complicated, intense but also frustrating at times.

Frustrating… well, let me tell you about this one girl, the red-haired one from Argentina. She used to be my class mate back then and although we never had many personal interactions I began to develop a very deep feeling of connection towards her, a bond that maybe lasts until today. At least I wanted to express this silly bond in episode #156. With the talking about polyamory I was fighting a fight (against the reactionary normalcy of monoamory), but maybe a more precise way of putting things would be to say that I don’t want love to be so high of a value, an impossible to reach thing that one therefore can only dream, imagine and write about rather than to live it. This I felt was the situation with that class mate. Maybe because of biology, which places the intense phase of sexual development at this specific age around 15, when I met her, it seems that she is the gold standard for me and I don’t even want to consider loving any other girl. At least, if monoamory was the true way of loving, I’d feel that I’d have to love her for all my life and it doesn’t even matter if she learns about my feelings one day or not — I feel it could be preferrable that she doesn’t because this way she is a great source of inspiration for my writings, also my podcast… maybe because of her I want to be that jaunty, light-hearted, care-free, cheerful, sprightly (lebhaft) and nonchalant in my speaking in the podcast, because she was all this and I admired her but couldn’t be like this out there in the real social reality and rather felt that my shyness and inhibitions made me the perfect counterpart to all her positivity, we were two complements, therefore I needed to stay this way, a thought that strikes me as really dumb and counterproductive today.

Still, if monoamory, monogamy, the monopolistic love that is the norm today because it corresponds to the stage of monopolistic capitalism we are stuck in with no clear path out, where the monopolist imperialist countries like Germany wage wars on other parts of the world like Ukraine or cause empoverishment and misery to an incalculable extent like in Argentina through their instituational weapons like the IMF, if this was the case and I mean, it could be, I’m not an expert in love and didn’t really get that far until now in it, then I could only love her and this love should last until the end of days and… but it’s not the truth. Because this notion of a holiness, an incomparable, unique love that forbids any other love practice, makes it also impossible to act on this feeling; it is precisely this high value, the infinite glory of love, this one thing that will make us whole and save us and make our life in capitalism bearable… precisely this romantic notion inhibits me and blocks the way to start the most insignificant trial of dating or talking to this singular person one feels has to be the one. This is the real problem about monoamory, it is too idealistic and we tend to feel satisfied with the ideal image of this perfect love in our heads but never daring to actually, materially realizing it.

So my fight is not per se against monoamory, it could be an adequate concept for precise circumstances. But what I cannot put up with is this high value, the infinite amount of relief and happiness that love is supposed to deliver to us. No, it cannot be like this, love is a material act like other acts in life and should be tried, only this way one can know with certainty what this is what one desires, wishes and yearns for. And therefore it was right to get together with my ex-girlfriend two years ago after recording episode 44 in which I spoke about this one of a kind class mate from back then and revealed all my crazy love feelings for her that still persist and still some part of me cannot let the image of her perfect jauntiness go… It was too romantic back then and I needed to make some material experience with love which luckily I was able to make with my peruvian one of a kind girl.

It hurts to think of all those vulgar discourses back in my youth, the class mates in Argentina and also in Germany chattering about love and sex, making allusions, jokes… and I was always silent without even knowing why I needed to be like this. And thinking about how other boys were having sex and I couldn’t grasp this highest value. And yeah, this is painful even remembering but still, now I feel I have come to a conclusion, a synthesis and everything appears ok. Of course it would have been nice to have had more sex and also today I feel this urge to try it with different women, I want to express this also in order to lower the value of love and make love possible in the first place. But in this society we are forced to grow up in, many things go really badly and not having sex is only one of them, albeit a significant one for the personal developping process. Yet this lack of material experience is part of a way bigger problem that also involves the imperialist structures of the relationships in trade, diplomacy, military and so on between countries worldwide where there exists an antagonism, a relationship of exploiter and exploited, perpetrator and victim just like in the work place there exists the exploitation of the worker through the bourgeois, the owner of the means of production. So a lot is going wrong and noone of us can really live freely, live up to his potential and fulfill the crazy imaginative heroic deeds that actually lie in our mental nature, we would be capable of achieving and building so much more, a socialist world of equality and brotherliness (and sisterliness) if only we dared to think it and overcome the narrow liberal mind set. So my ideological enemy is liberalism and romanticism, which has to do with one another.

Why does sex have this singular value for us today? It is only explainable through the liberal phantasma of the sovereign market individual who fulfills its wishes through rational choices — an abstract premise that is hardly in line with the social and psychological reality. But it is rational only for the bourgeois individuals, this very small but powerful class in society for which all of the state is built and is functioning to protect their wealth and assets. This premise is derived from the bourgeois position and applied to all of us through the delusional narratives of the liberal ideology. And the highest good, of course, could only be sex. Therefore this question of having sex or not, too much or not enough, with whom and with whom not, holds such an infinite importance in our lives seemingly today. It is not a human constant that sexual desire feels the way it feels today but a historical step, a phase in a larger development process that could hopefully lead soon in a more socialist direction.

I don’t challenge this view that sex is the greatest, just my critique is that sex is thought of too vulgarly, too narrowly today. It already begins with eye contact as explained several times, last time in number 150. And of course, eye contact cannot be monopolistically granted only to one exclusive person. So in today’s world with the vulgar discourse intoxicating us, real sex and love, or the one that I would like, one that would be freed of the reactionary burdens, might not even be possible. But it should be possible to talk, to be friends, to spend time together. And with you Winter, this was so nice, I just want to go back there and somehow forget about all these love questions. It was definitely a blunder I feel now, trading this harmonic relationship we had against these crazy idealistic love declarations. This is not as good as looking you in the eye and hearing the sound of your voice. I like you so much and always want to hear from you; love might be too fragile, reactionary and unknown to be applied to this special connection between you and me, therefore I sensed it could be also friendship, to make it more lasting.

What this other girl from Argentina gave to me was a look so intense and challenging, a hope that she could be returning my love feelings. This might reverbarate in me forever and although it sounds romantic, it feels like the greatest thing in life that could ever exist. It’s not even about her being the greatest girl of all, the biggest love, it’s just that her character, her appearance and everything this tells me about myself and who I wanted to become, our complicity is the most important thing for me and something I would never give away and trade for a sole material experiment… See. This is the problem. It’s so romantic that it blocks me from loving anyone else but also from making a real approach to finally really loving her.

And yes, Winter, now I only want to talk to you, would appreciate this so much… with any other girls things have to be figured out some other day but now I feel so close to you, there is no solution, I want you, whatever that means.

—

The reason we are still in this senseless game of no words and looks is that I wanted to provoke you to come to see me, start talking, finally taking the first step. Because it’s crucial to remind women that this is what us men or at least some of us expect from you. The juvenile obscene talking using all kinds of vulgar terms and connotations that is proper especially of the time of adolescence, for example in a school setting of pupils talking; what does it mean? It means: »I want sex«. And to express this straight-forward fact is the task of males still, while women try to give signals and silently or through signs and allusions symbolize that they also are interested in romantic and sexual relations. But here is the flaw. This configuration of the structure in the discourse between the genders leads to male superiority. And maybe you women even find this erotic and want to see a man as a unquestionable individual, so strong and autonomous. But I cannot accept this. With this you say that you are fine with the reactionary role patterns staying in place as they are. And I too understand this because I know my own sluggishness, inertia and unwillingness to change and take a new unexperienced direction. But if we stay inside this reactionary set of boundaries, then love and sex will feel so disgusting, shameful and gross to me that I don’t want to try it. With your passive luring you put us men into a competition of one against another: who can talk better or, as we all seem to be so inhibited nowadays, the question is rather, who can start to talk to a woman at all? And I couldn’t for the past couple of years or even the decade that passed since my own adolescence, but only with my podcast starting to infuse me some courage in 2020 this changed a little. But there remains a feeling of deep resentment and lack of understanding of why girls choose to behave like this nowadays when they would have all freedoms to act differently and to put themselves in a more »masculine« role of hunting, attacking, confronting the boys with their own female desire for sex. It is not fair that shy girls shouldn’t have a problem to find a boyfriend if they want to but for shy boys this is a huge problem and making them feel like they are worth less.

If you don’t start telling us that you want sex — and even just starting a conversation is a first step into this erotic direction because this magnetic field of attraction is so strong, it cannot be ignored in a common interaction — then everything will stay the same and I will feel I’m not interested in finding love because I don’t want to be happy while the world around me is drowning in misery.

This also has to do with the current state of world politics. There is the war in Ukraine and for many German knuckleheads like my brother it is totally normal that a Ukrainian man should be fighting there for his country, after all, he says, it’s his free choice, he could also flee and the ones who stay apparently feel such a pride for their nation that they want to defend it with their lives. This bullshit doesn’t even deserve a reply, just that I wish the people arguing in favor of weapon deliveries and material support for Ukraine in the war against Russia, they should be there fighting at the front and not the Ukrainians who in a vast majority I bet do not have such high patriotic feelings but simply are forced by brute violence into joining the army and don’t have another option.

There is blood on our hands when we enjoy our lives here in the safe part of imperialist Europe while our government fosters the war, pours oil into the fire and makes sure the fighting and grinding of bones there in the East can go on for years. And why does this seem normal, why is it seen as the natural thing to defend your country and put your life on the line when its borders are attacked? This seems so archaic, totally out of our historical context, yet noone in this liberal bubble here in Germany seems to notice the contradiction, because those despicable people live in a parallel world supposedly uncontaminated by the bloody reality we face, trapped in the liberal delusion washing their hands in innocence and keeping their soul clean by pretending all evil comes from Putin, from the far East, everything that goes wrong can only be result of a sinister ploy by the Russians…

The fact that these reactionary ideas of defending one’s country, being a real man and joining the military have a strong grasp over our conscience today is related to the reactionary patterns of behavior between girls and boys in early youth and men and women later on. Both are a result, a symptom of the smoldering illness of capitalism, the system surviving year after year while it was already high time to get rid of it and after Lenins successful proof that it can be done against all odds in complicated historical circumstances, there really is no excuse anymore to not do it today. But the inertia is always on the upper hand… And so yes, the fascists in Ukraine might be a minor fraction of the total corps of soldiers and partisans, therefore I didn’t really mention this topic in the podcast until now in English, because I wanted to establish clearly that we Germans are the real Nazis and all that Ukrainians could do in their desperate situation of a country thrown back into the competition between imperialist state structures where it can only lose against the monopolistic economic power houses like Germany or France after the counter revolution of 1991, is to copy German fascism and try to find some sense about their own history by reversing the official soviet truth about history and therefore being proud of fascist genocidal killers like Bandera and raising statues of him and so on. It is understandable because I also feel this urge to be a rebel. And the soviet countries were simply checkmated by western ideology in the Gorbachev era and completely lost track of their roots, of the historical development process that got them into this present.

What I mean is that there is a link between Bandera and girls behaving like a princess, waiting for the prince to come see them and promise them a castle, giving them a kiss and slowly showing that also they, the girls, feel this need to cling together with some boy. And this I needed to express. Your not guilty of anything, you are just about starting your life and your parents and ancestors are respobsible for the world they left behind in a pretty abominable state. We as the young generation can still turn things around. But first we need to find a fitting description of the reality we live in. And I needed to explain to you this resentment, why it seems so hard for me to approach you again and try to talk to you, although this would be the most important thing in the world and would make me so happy, no matter what our relationship will become then later, but just seeing your face and hearing your words would make my day an incredibly beautiful and fulfilling day. I wanted to wait if you can take this step. Because it seems by staying in the old role behaviors, we are accepting and supporting fascism and every ugly symptom of capitalism, all the blood being shed in wars, all the domination and aggressive competition … We would be saying, it’s fine, I don’t care as long as I have a place to work and am not part of the masses drowning in misery and despair.

But it’s ok, I don’t blame you, I understand this all was crazy and I put a lot of psychological pressure onto you with my podcasts. The real reason for this stupid time play was my insecurity and that it’s always easy to slip into a feeling of resentment where it is all the fault of the outer world that things don’t go your way. I feel it’s comfortable to think this way, oh yes, of course I love her and we could be so happy together, but why even bother to try out this happiness, I’m quite fine until now with my melancholia and phlegmatic temper. But hopefully I can get past this because it is necessary to be different for you. You are worth everything, I want to see you, want you so much it cannot even be expressed.

— NEW POEM

Sometimes I produce And do nothing else But think about those Beautiful Girls And their Bodies And why I want to touch you so badly To feel the texture of your skin The »flesh«, feels what it’s like What these sins are that Bible taught us about This desire for the flesh, The weak flesh That dominates the innocent mind But what is innocent? If having sex is not innocent, What on earth could be? Loving each other by physical means, Utilizing the reproductive organs Doing this what has to be done I mean, someone did it If not, we weren’t here So how could it be evil, How could it be a trap of sinister desires Luring »Temptetions«? It’s something that has to be done One way or the other And it’s always wise to get some practice In every sports, every art or branch of science The discipules must learn by committing mistakes It really is the only way of making progress Trial and error, scientific comprobation, Progress of our knowlegde of the world And of our techniques Of transforming the world into Something beautiful, useful to our means But what are our means nowadays? Accumulating, saving, deprivating the others From becoming what we are Securing our spot It’s the liberal market ideology Created by the material relations of production

But don’t sweat it I’m not mad at capitalism It produces beatiful things Like you Beautiful girls But still, somehow I have to see you And our capitalist work place allowed us to see each other I see you and am so amazed So enticed, struck by your halo Of feminine gracefulness and equinamity Please look at me Make me feel like a man Put your hand on my heart And feel it accelerating Skipping beats Ruining the rhythm Because my eyes see you Or even if only my mind pictures you And your crumbling being Your face that is a three-dimensional map Of the carpatians or any miracoulus mountains of Ukraine Your face that is the most intriguing thing in my world I want to study its marks and landscapes, Hills and forests, mountain crests and caves You are my holy woman So light, so sparkling of joy Untouchable, because so ideal and perfect Your shapes are the shapes I would have shaped Or asked God to shape them this way Your openness is so disarming, dismanteling Dismanteling my mental stability And peace of my life But it has to be this way I want it to happen Want to be shaken by you Only you Over and over again

I cannot be or live or think without you Because it feels stupid How could I allow this alienation? It must be my normal melancholia I stick onto what hurts Because it’s easy, simple But more natural feels being with you And opening myself Please look at me I didn’t dare to open myself until now How could you like what’s inside? It’s only dirt, I’m afraid But if you want it, If you really want me Then come to see me And I will give you everything I have It was all only created and stored for you So you could pick it up some day I am this gift awaiting you In the world, there is not another spot Nowhere I needed to be but here Ideally in your arms, feeling you, smelling your breath And rubbing the dust on your skin, Maybe the sweat after a long work day I need to kiss you Just to tell you What you are to me Someone who is worth kissing And much much more even Higher standards But kissing Seems already fine And seems like Communicating to you That you are my soul My inner being That we melted Our substances together And I never want to be able To discern again what’s you and what’s me It’s only us In an eternal entangling of matter and spirit.

—

Another Poem for you in German:

Also ja, Liliyana!
Dann sei es so;
Ich schreie es heraus!
Wenn du mich so unter Druck setzt,
Wenn du es willst, ja!
Dann ist es so!
Dann ist alles so, wie du es sagst

Ich bin ein Mann
Ein begehrenswerter dazu
Das lese ich aus deinen Augen
Und geniere mich
Aber genug geniert
Mein Körper ist rein
Ebenso meine Gedanken
Kein schlechtes Korn
In ihnen enthalten
Keine Wollust, kein Darben
Nur stringente Balance,
Ewiges Warten
Auf dich
Mich mit dir zusammenzufügen Zu verklumpen
Das ist das Wahre, das Ziel,
Was auch immer, jedenfalls
Gestatte ich dir
Mich anzurühren
Physisch, tastend, tapsend, grapschend
Wie immer du willst
Du sollst es tun,
Ich wünsche mir so sehr,
Dass du meine Haut und alle meine Organe
Und Glieder einnimmst, Deine Fahne in sie steckst und als
Dein Revier markierst
Dein geschütztes Gebiet,
Auf dem du deine Ideen und Liebkosungen anpflanzt
Ich muss dein sein, körperlich, sinnlich, zärtlich—
Weil ich es die ganze Zeit schon geistig bin
Was viel stärker und unerträglicher ist
Da es mich verzehrt, zu denken
Du könntest mir entwischen
Bitte Liliyana,
Ich denke alles, was ich kann,
Auch das Widersprüchlichste
Wenn es mich nur männlich, selbstbewusst, stark
Genug macht, dir gegenüberzutreten
Und deiner weiblichen Beharrlichkeit ebenbürtig zu sein