160

Katja Krasavice's master piece: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFPis0Ou5vw

Recording date: Tuesday, 20th of June (it was a little hotter than now back then)

Zurückhaltung — restraint, retention

Mumm, Mut — courage, guts

Zielstrebigkeit, Beharrlichkeit, Unbeirrbarkeit — single-mindedness

Gelassenheit — equinamity

bumsen — to screw, to shag, to have sex

Winter dreams

The last couple of days I thought your expressions today were a little shaken or agitated, the same way I felt at the end of last week but now it’s a new week and it feels glorious because I can be there with you and absorb your mighty presence, be touched by your gravitational force field. I’m entrapped in this dialectic already described once: when the week ends, everything seems gloomy, depressing and unfair, but when it starts, everything shines bright for me because I know I can see you and detect your presence. This is already so shocking maybe because of my sensitive nature, that I don’t dare to approach you because what could happen there might be an unprecedented explosion, a loss of all my senses and a singularity, a infinitely concentrated bulk of energy.

Although sex is such an urgent need for all of us, at the time you think about realization it feels ambivalent imagining to be that naked in every aspect and be seen with all the flaws and dirt that belong to our bodies.
Maybe the last text below episode 159 relieved you a little like it did for me. It made clear that I want to hold you in my arms; but this affection could also be lived in a collegial setting through talking and demonstrating to all our surroundings that we only care for each other and allow ourselves to forget about work and what we’re supposed to be doing. It’s never clear which is the adequate development speed for a relationship. But this half year has been overly romantic, although I understand that I myself and probably the majority of people feel this drive of heading into these overly double-knived directions when confronted with the possibility of love. Because love seems too daring to think it could actually happen, these crazy day dreams could really be fulfilled and filled with something concrete, a material experience like making a walk with you, watching the wind whirling up your incredibly beautiful hair, sensing the multiple warmth radiating from both the sun and from your smiling face, reflecting the exuberance of the sun. This would be too much, I fear.
It might be better to make love right away so all this tension can get resolved and we can have a clear head again. It is like this, for me love has to be paradoxical rather than romantic and these contradictions as to whether I’d like to have sex with you or simply talk are a natural part of it and can’t be dissolved at least not at this early stage of our potential love process.
I really don’t know anything more than that you are the most important and most beautiful person to me in the whole world and I only want to obey your laws and listen to your truth; everything you tell me I will try to accomplish. You make me very »wuschig«, a nice German word indicating one is sexually aroused or agitated.

In a way, sex not that vital - really vital is for example, what I texted to you before Christmas that I like you much. This is the truth and it means something, although Im not sure what exactly.
About sex we can find out some time what it means, what it confronts us with. Maybe you also have this uncertainty about this topic, the intimate nakedness, the opening of one's intimate space and … but I wanted to tell you it feels the same for me and just because I’m a boy doesnt mean I can see through this and know what to do.

Somehow I know that you like me too. And that is the problem, I mean, maybe it's the reason why at the beginning of a week I’m always reluctant to come to see you, because I think, it can wait, I feel comfortable in this way, seeing you in the distancing but not being confronted with you that closely and somehow feeling secure that our bond will not vanish so easily, that it doesn't depend on whether we go back to talking this month or some other time.

If you want to come to me, please, feel free to approach me. Or if you want that I take the masculine part and come to see you, chasing you down in a physical setting of connectedness rather than here in the virtual sphere, well, then it might take some more time but I promise you that at least next month I would definitely come to see you.
We could also talk about work first in order to regain a solid base of communication from where we can try to develop other conversations, too. Because today our colleague told me about you having some problems with your docker containers. I really don’t know a lot about this but if you like we could google together and look for a solution, it always helps to explain your problem to someone else and see if you can come up with a plan together.

In a way, I’m not really sure whether it was accurate what I wrote last episode, that all the colleagues were looking at us two in a certain way… but at least it seemed to me like this sometimes. And the crucial part about the inference of the others is that it always takes place, the question what these others think and see in you is always present in the back of our heads and determines our behavior, no matter what they actually think. And this is nothing bad that should be abolished, it is the normal socialist foundation of all our psyches, yet the capitalist market frame work turns it into something really bad because it creates the fantasma of the endless competition against each other and therefore paranoic fear, suspiciousness and aggressiveness against those others. All the relationships between humans are converted into market relations, making us individuals feel like just another good on the market with a certain value and price on it.

With us getting back to talking or discussing work problems, also our colleagues might feel enchanted. Because the social lust is transferred like this, by means of seeing the others and copying their acts. Maybe this makes it easier, thinking that we have to do it for our colleagues, so they can enjoy seeing us chatting there again like two young birds.

Liliya, I really don’t know what I expect from you, only need to explain to you that I’m entrapped in this neurotic pleasure of being close, but not that close to you and loving you from a certain distance. As a writer, this is a inspiring position and it made me come up with lots of poems and other writings in the last months, but I know that this is not the real majestic pleasure that would be granted to me when having some physical (eye) contact with you again and listening to your beautiful voice.

—

READINGS — VORLESUNGEN

Eva Illouz: Warum Liebe weh tut, S. 121
(Why love hurts)

—————

My own texts (swinish stuff)

This is an erotic text, hopefully you can understand it. Of course this is purely ironical where it says I wanted to sit somewhere else — but it also makes the point clear that love and sex is always double-knived, on one hand the erotic desire and sizzling is so nice when I see you girls with your summer dresses, but on the other hand this also confronts one with challenging questions up to the point where it could feel you only want to run away from that shining, overwhelming beauty…

Also Zoryana/Ruslana, deine Beine sehe ich eben beim Arbeiten, ich kann nicht drüber hinweg blicken, da hab ich keine Wahl, bin also unschuldig, es ist nur die typische menschliche Zeugungskraft und Sexuallust, die in mir erwacht und mich beherrscht, sobald ich deiner gewahr werde und deine Körperformen, deine eiserne Haltung und den schneidigen Gesichtsausdruck wieder einmal wahrnehme. Oh weh. Ich wünschte doch auch, ich säße woanders; der Chef oder der Sitzplan oder die Gezeiten und Weltenläufte jedenfalls haben mich an diesen Ort, diese Stelle gespült, wo ich nun damit konfrontiert bin, dir im Büro gegenüber zu sitzen. Das lässt sich nicht mehr ändern. Ich könnte natürlich nachfragen beim Chef, ob ich mich umsetzen dürfe - aber wie feige wäre das, vor den schönen Leibern und nackten Frauenbeinen zu fliehen - wir haben Juni, alles schwitzt und will raus, will sich nackt inder naturgebornen Pracht präsentieren, als Präsent hergeben…
So auch ich.
Also meine Männlichkeit wäre verloren, meine Person die Lachnummer der Firma, bäte ich um eine Versetzung. Das geht nicht. Da heißt es nun: Zähne zusammenbeißen und durchhalten, durchhalten bis zum Schluss. Immerhin kommt auch irgendwann der Winter und die züchtigeren Gewänder werden wieder aus den Schränken geholt. immerhin …

Und ja, Zoryana/Ruslana, es ist mir ganz unangenehm, das auszudrücken, aber es hält mich nichts mehr, einmal angefangen, muss man immer weiter machen. Deine Aureoloe, deine berstende Präsenz der Weiblichkeit ist unausweichlich, nicht zu leugnen, du verwandelst jeden kalten Winterabend noch in des herrlichste Fest der Sinne nur dadurch, dass du still und stumm dasitzt oder mich anblickst oder deine Landsfrau von schräg gegenüber… oh je, hier entern wir die roten Gebiete.

(The text goes on for a little, but was read only until here this time, maybe the rest can be unwrapped in another episode)

——

(This poem was already published in the show notes of #153. I read it out loud today)

Sometimes I produce
And do nothing else
But think about those
Beautiful Girls
And their Bodies
And why I want to touch you so badly
To feel the texture of your skin
The »flesh«, feels what it’s like
What these sins are that Bible taught us about
This desire for the flesh,
The weak flesh
That dominates the innocent mind
But what is innocent?
If having sex is not innocent,
What on earth could be?
Loving each other by physical means,
Utilizing the reproductive organs
Doing this what has to be done
I mean, someone did it
If not, we weren’t here
So how could it be evil,
How could it be a trap of sinister desires
Luring »Temptetions«?
It’s something that has to be done
One way or the other
And it’s always wise to get some practice
In every sports, every art or branch of science
The discipules must learn by committing mistakes
It really is the only way of making progress
Trial and error, scientific comprobation,
Progress of our knowlegde of the world
And of our techniques
Of transforming the world into
Something beautiful, useful to our means
But what are our means nowadays?
Accumulating, saving, deprivating the others
From becoming what we are
Securing our spot
It’s the liberal market ideology
Created by the material relations of production

But don’t sweat it
I’m not mad at capitalism
It produces beatiful things
Like you
Beautiful girls
But still, somehow I have to see you
And our capitalist work place allowed us to see each other
I see you and am so amazed
So enticed, struck by your halo
Of feminine gracefulness and equinamity
Please look at me
Make me feel like a man
Put your hand on my heart
And feel it accelerating
Skipping beats
Ruining the rhythm
Because my eyes see you
Or even if only my mind pictures you
And your crumbling being
Your face that is a three-dimensional map
Of the carpatians or any miracoulus mountains of Ukraine
Your face that is the most intriguing thing in my world
I want to study its marks and landscapes,
Hills and forests, mountain crests and caves
You are my holy woman
So light, so sparkling of joy
Untouchable, because so ideal and perfect
Your shapes are the shapes I would have shaped
Or asked God to shape them this way
Your openness is so disarming, dismanteling
Dismanteling my mental stability
And peace of my life
But it has to be this way
I want it to happen
Want to be shaken by you
Only you
Over and over again

I cannot be or live or think without you
Because it feels stupid
How could I allow this alienation?
It must be my normal melancholia
I stick onto what hurts
Because it’s easy, simple
But more natural feels being with you
And opening myself
Please look at me
I didn’t dare to open myself until now
How could you like what’s inside?
It’s only dirt, I’m afraid
But if you want it,
If you really want me
Then come to see me
And I will give you everything I have
It was all only created and stored for you
So you could pick it up some day
I am this gift awaiting you
In the world, there is not another spot
Nowhere I needed to be but here
Ideally in your arms, feeling you, smelling your breath
And rubbing the dust on your skin,
Maybe the sweat after a long work day
I need to kiss you
Just to tell you
What you are to me
Someone who is worth kissing
And much much more even
Higher standards
But kissing
Seems already fine
And seems like
Communicating to you
That you are my soul
My inner being
That we melted
Our substances together
And I never want to be able
To discern again what’s you and what’s me
It’s only us
In an eternal entangling of matter and spirit.

——

Another poem from last week, that I didn’t read yet:

26.6.

Yes, I admit it,
Frankly and openly
That I was thinking also of other girls
Especially our co-worker
And your co-citizen and compatriot
Oh dear
But I had to do it
In order to be sure
I was imagining some erotic constellations
Why is it, that one person seems attractive
But then the other one
And there always seems to be a difference
A delta, a variation that fosters love
Or is at the very base of love
This alternation, the change of the tides
One day you feel a bursting desire
The other day you feel languid
You, Zoryana, are splendid, vibrating of energy
But Liliya, this doesn’t mean a thing
You will also feel this towards other men
And sometimes I noticed something on you
When another male co-worker walked by
And I thought, you found him attractive
Because you moved in a certain way
Like rectifying your posture
But this is ok
You can think of them
Or even touch them, play with them
If it is your desire
Just at the beginning, such an imagination feels weird
And I didn’t want you to look that way at other boys
It’s normal to feel this
And I don’t have the solution to all this
Thinking about sex
Makes me feel very clean nowadays
It used to be a dirty topic
But expressing everything, squandering and throwing out
This dirt, ejecting the obscene phantasies and day dreams
Helps me
To feel prepared for real love
And what real love is, I don’t know, I only have some expertise
Not a lot,
I only hope you can teach me
Or we can teach each other
Establish our common theory
And promise to be loyal to it
I can’t even write anymore
Maybe my love is obsessive, probably
And it’s a mistake to write that much
Instead of conversing with you
There is no perfectness, no everlasting unity
Every sexual act ends at some point
And the feeling of togetherness might vanish
But I’m not afraid of it,
I am encapsulated now with you
My heart is beating for you, keen to beat together with yours
This was crazy because I’m crazy
Crazy about love
And being taught by such a brilliant girl like you
What it is all about