04:30 Castellano
41:20 English
1:28:36 Deutsch

Kaiserlich und Königlich

Die prussianisieren ganz Deutschland!

Umbral — Schwelle — threshold

Dear peoples of the world,

I didn’t want to call this episode »Hitler« as is the working title of the literary work read in excerpts today. Because there are more important and challanging theoretical battles than the one against fascism. Like the one between a man and a woman.
Why are there these boundaries between the individuals and why does it seem to be enshrined in social behaviour which gender should surpass them? This is the question haunting me.

The cough I left inside although lowered in volume, because it indicates that where the theoretical battles get really hard and ugly, there also the body responds sharply, the material base of life remembers the thinker of its power over him.

However, I feel already a lot better and am on the way of physical convalescence from my short illness, which is always also a fecundating and envigourating thing to be sick.

The text of »Hitler« is not included in today’s show notes, as the part read was handwritten. I wrote part of it on 19th of December, one day after the victorious triumph of the Argentinian team at the world championship in soccer, which happened to be also the birthday of Stalin. A firm admirer and student of Stalin, my feelings towards Hitler are different. Of course we have to hate him and also try to understand in order to prevent such a disaster as fascism from happening again. But I feel the need to go further and even mock or in a subtle way use him as an example of the general struggles we all have to go through in life.
The publication date of number #2 TSY was only accidently Hitler’s birthday, I did not at all plan it this way but as so many things in my podcast it just felt natural this way and coincidences seem to have a meaning in hindsight, but I am materialist and not inclined to superstition. I want to treat Hitler or the figure of him the last century left, in a totally different, unthought-of way but don’t know whether this work can achieve it.
The key thing is his ambivalent feeling towards women, on one hand fear of crossing the »threshold«, starting an official relationship, and on the other hand an immense yearning for them as he sees them passing by in the city of Vienna around 1910.

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Liliya, I never in my life wanted something so bad as being with you, yes, also touching and careassing, but mostly only to feel you close to me and see your face, your eyes, listen to you speaking. This is the only thing for me and I wont give in until you concede me this - or tell me it will never happen.

But what a great feeling: all my efforts in my podcast and writing are not directed, at least not primarily, at impressing the public, but only to explain to you - and also Manita and Zoryana - what I see in you and how I dare to imagine a future between you and me… that is, I need to be with you, please hear me…

I will go on podcasting for you if you'd like but for now need you to know only that I cant come up with anything else and the only thing I want to do is to explore you, maybe also in the bed if you want, because I need to be close to you and feel each part, your breath exhaling, your hair shimmering as a crown on your head, please… I have nothing else on my mind and nothing else to do in my life.

The point is, I have to hide from myself how dear you are to me or what I really feel and want to do with you… because if not, as a man, I would have to come to your place in the office and tell you all about it. But that I can't do. Therefore I tell myself that although I think very highly of you, right now I could not consider starting a love relationship with anyone. Because I want to focus on my imaginary world, right. But if only you'd come to me, I would give up all this imaginary writing stuff and only dedicate myself to you. It will always make me weak and shuttering when thinking something connected to love could happen with you and of course it should happen, at least thats what it feels like every time…

Liliya, I want you so bad and every weekend since December was thinking this, how nice it would be to be now with Liliya, no matter if in the bed or going somewhere together, doing something in the city or anywhere with you. And I only want this and nothing else. All my writing is a way, a path I create so I can feel worthy of you.

But we always feel measured, taxed, our bodies, our youth, health and attractiveness. But Liliya… I dont know what is normal in this life and surely my concept about multiple love relationships is something daring. But if only… we could talk, then we could figure it out. Also just being friends would still be magnificent and infinitely better then this situation now. I cant go on without you, please understand. You caught me with your feminine nets, maybe without even trying. But I had to try to give this effort back to you.

Feel ashamed but also good to not be able to work but for you. Why would I? It's easier and more natural to be sluggish and sink into the sofa. But this cannot be because I want you to see me and see someone who is worthy of your glance, your touch or even love. And therefore it's normal to also get a little eccentric, crazy and violent in my podcasts, while you ignore me.