00:00:00 English
00:11:26 Deutsch
00:14:38 Castellano
00:49:51 Deutsch

Me & My Hand
It’s every artist’s secret recipe. And Pink’s song truly is a feminist master piece of which I never can get enough:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hyhOSLsNIvY

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The texts read out today (as all of the self-written texts from my past readings, but I like to highlight it in this specific episode) are my personal creative property and may not be redistributed without my explicit consent in any case.

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So Lila, in love and in general in life it’s crucial to think about the other. Not the other that we might want to love but the other other, the opponent who also potentially loves the one I wanted to love.
I think that you are coward for what you did, not that thing in August, but the things you said and wrote in December and the acts you didn’t take from January to April until finally I was worn out waiting and started with my personal podcast for you, despite sensing it would be a mistake and a step into the wrong direction. I just couldn’t go on waiting and had to do something.
And you did nothing and that’s fine as I expressed last time with the poem by Lana about Violet. But it’s normal to contradict yourself and I want to do it and state that sometimes you really should take a decision and not just postpone everything and say let’s deal with it later. No, it was wrong from both our sides to stay in the deadlock. I even thought about leaving a small paper note on your desk under your papers stating only a few lines asking for foregiveness for what happened in December. But then I discarded the idea and thought it might resolve some time later. But it couldn’t and the podcast was the worst kind of media to achieve this goal, writing is far better for subtle communication.

In case you fancy to listen but didn’t understand all of the German part, here I resume it for you. So everything began when I felt I had run out of fuel… my literary adventures had gone down south, no matter how hard I tried, my dream of conquering a lover by means of my literature didn’t succeed. In March I desperately tried to love a Cuban girl and sent a love letter to her. When this approach failed miserably, I ran out of thoughts and creative inventions. There was nothing more to write. I wanted to write for her a novel or a theater play about a sanctioned country, like Cuba. Just like I wanted to write my novel Imperialism for you and Manita.
But it couldn’t be. So I figured, it’s better to acknowledge from the start that I don’t even want love but rather search for an art muse who can inspire me and help me create my texts. Somehow I felt, Lana del Rey would be the perfect target for this task. Because in her style and appearance lies everything that I criticize about your passive feminine behavior. However, her composure expresses a deep understanding of the fragility of a woman’s place in society and yet manages to express a vivid rebelliousness and a lust to attack from a hidden retreat she creates for herself with her distinct feminine features.
And as stated in last episode’s text, I liked all the details and luring signs about you, so I can appreciate that just like in Lana while in my philosophy trying to show the wickedness of today’s gender relations which play into the concepts on which such styling or behavioral patterns rely.

So I started to write a long love poem to Lana. Then I read on a fan page that she admires both writers Walt Whitman and Vladimir Nabokov and even has a tattoo with their names. While I adore Whitman now that I’ve got to read him, I’m not so sure as to Nabokov. And I felt this was the perfect chance to delve into the deep rooted feeling of jealousy: I wanted to feel jealous towards Nabokov (despite him being already dead) and imagined that with him Lana would love to have sex, whilst she would leave me aside. I want to feel that I can never be as good as Nabokov, my writing will always stay short of his brilliance… and therefore in a temper I ripped the book to pieces which I was reading, a book by Nabokov full of essays and interviews in which he explains his ridiculous views on art. I tore it all apart and enjoyed the feeling of destroying Nabokov at least in this metaphorical sense.

And this is what I need to feel, at least in an artificial way. But of course this is bullshit, it’s not a true feeling of jealousy, just acting, unlike last year in August, when I really could feel something like jealousy for your boyfriend. And that’s all. I think this feeling is the sole key to human enlightenment and creativeness, to all kinds of mental endeavors and to a deep understanding of our societal nature. There is nothing more that I have to give; maybe this is the last episode or maybe there will be one more called „Cuba“, mainly in German, but I’m done, I’ve given it all and it was a good ride from the start to the beginning. And yes, Lila, you are being uncourteous. I forgive you and understand you and all, but still think it’s appropriate to mention that yes, I do feel a little hurt about you, it will pass and be fine, but still it’s a wound I do not want to deny.

The podcast will be deleted on 17 August, at the latest.